Family Rejection

Ever since my daughter and I were on the Drew Barrymore Show……..

I have been thinking quite a bit about my relationship with my parents……

I always tell people that I had a mother and father but not a mom or dad. Anyone can be a mother or father but, I believe you must earn the right to be called mom or dad. You see both my parents rejected me, both in different ways and I don’t mean they gave me up. Both of my parents were very young when I was conceived, 18. Neither one of them were ready to be parents or husband and wife. Both of them had their own issues with their parents. I think they were just searching for acceptance and they found each other. After all, all any of us really want is to be loved and accepted.

My father……

He was a heavy drinker and spent a lot of time and money in bars. When he was drunk, he would get angry and fight with my mother and hit her. When I was around 7, he had been drinking and he was mad and hit me in the face and broke one of my front teeth. I don’t ever remember him ever hitting me again but, I had that broken front tooth until I was 20 years old. Screaming, yelling and fighting is pretty much all I remember for the first 10 years of my life. My parents ended up separating and eventually divorcing. After that, I rarely ever saw or talked to my father, it was very sporadic over the next 45 years. He would be in and out like a breeze. He married 2 more times and I gained another sister. Within the last 10 years, he had gotten sick and struggled with that illness until he passed away last year on election day. My father and I mended our relationship during his illness. We talked things out, he asked me to forgive him and I did. God restored our relationship. During that time, he became my dad. Do I miss him? Yes, very much. I wish we could have had more time together. I do know that he is in heaven with my Heavenly Father, so I know I will definitely see my dad again.

• 

My mother……

They say hurting people….hurt people. That to me sums my mother up in a nutshell. Her parents, my grandparents were abusive toward her. I was the target of my mother’s hurt. I feel like she always resented my dad and me, my dad for getting her pregnant and me as the result of that pregnancy. She was very abusive to me physically and mentally. As a child, I do not ever remember her giving me hugs, telling me she loved me or saying she was proud of me. Do you know, I don’t ever remember her laughing or smiling. She would act one way around other people and act totally different inside our home around myself, my sister and my brother. She was good at threats, smacking me across my face, spankings with the buckle end of the belt or metal hanger and making me stand in the middle of the floor on one foot for hours instead of allowing me to go to bed. A few times she even locked me out of the house and would not let me in until she thought I learned my lesson. The thing she was most famous for is what I call “invisible abuse”. Mental abuse. She would always tell me that I would never amount to anything. She would always criticize me and nothing was ever good enough. As a child, I did not understand. One time when I was in my early 20’s she told the young man, I was dating at the time, that I was not good enough for him. I would write letters to her as a child begging for her to forgive whatever it was that I did and love me. I was so embarrassed to bring anyone to my house. Every chance I got I would go to church. I would go Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night and Thursday night. At church I felt safe and I felt love. My mother remarried when I was 12 and I gained another brother. She did not treat my step father very well and eventually they divorced. By the time I was 21, I had moved out of my house and went to live with my maternal grandparents for about a year. That is how I figured out why my mother was the way she was. Over the years, my mother and I tried to mend our relationship, I even asked her to give me away at my first wedding. I also tried to get her involved in my children’s lives but it did not work out.

I have carried these scars with me throughout most of my life, hating her, hating myself, wondering why and how she could be this way, blaming myself for not being good enough. I was just a little girl!!! It took its toll on my first marriage because I never dealt with it. I did not even realize that it was one of the reasons my marriage did not work. I just kept pushing it deeper and deeper inside. I swore when I had children, I would never treat them that way, that they would always know that they were wanted, that they were loved more than anything and loved unconditionally.

As I write this, I find myself crying as it brings back so many painful memories and opens up so many wounds. I could go on and on. This is just the tip of the iceberg but, I think you get the idea.

Over the last 10 years, God has been working on me, helping me to deal with my past, helping me to let go of all the rejection and disappointment. It took me a long time to forgive my mother and let it go. God showed me that I could not move forward in my relationship with Him until I learned to forgive. Once I forgave her, I felt so much peace. My mother and I still do not have a relationship but, she is still my mother and I love her with the love of Jesus. I also realize that she was also mistreated as a child. Unless we learn to deal with these things, we will carry them over into all our other relationships. Do I wish I had a relationship with my mother? I honestly don’t know. It does not bother me anymore. I am a child of the Most High God. God chose ME. God wanted ME. God loves ME.

I don’t know where you might be in your relationships but, if you have ever been rejected by your parents, family, friends or anyone, don’t lose heart. Jesus was rejected by family, and His own people even God the Father rejected Him at the cross. We are not alone. God knows our hurts. He understands. God wants us to forgive and let go of the pain and hurt. Forgive and ask God to help you let go. God loves YOU so much. He will NEVER reject you. What can man’s rejection do to us if God is ultimately for us? He sent His only Son to die for you and raised Him from the dead so that you can have everlasting life.

John 7:5 For even his own brothers did not believe in Him

Psalm 27:10 Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.

If you would like to further this conversation or ask me any questions, you can can contact me here.